Fuck this. I'm moving to Canada.

The authors of Bajillion are riddled with ailments. Tom has heartburn, Kevin capitalizes words for no reason, Paul is irreversibly addicted to strawberry-flavored milk beverages, and I get insufferable migraines two to five times a week. Seriously, it sucks to spend half your afternoons clutching your forehead, unable to think clearly, feeling like your about to heave on your work keyboard. I look like one of those morons in the "I have a headache THIS BIG! [arms outstretched for full effect]" commercials, except I can open only one eye and every tiny sound pounds my skull with the power of a thousand hammers. I can think of just one upside to this migraine mess.

Recently my doctor gave me a free four-pack of this wonderful little pill called Imitrex. I'm not a scientist, so I can't tell you exactly how it works, but I'm fairly certain that involves neuroreceptors and magic. It treats migraines without resorting to pain killers!

So today I took my prescription for a full bottle this life-saver to Long's Drugs and discovered (a) that, though my doctor had written a prescription for 30 doses, Blue Cross would only provide me with 9 doses, and (b) that these 9 pills would cost me $170. I was speechless. Literally, I bumbled and flailed at the pharmacist, unable to generate a sentence. I went home empty-handed.

$170 for 9 pills is about $19 per headache. It would be cheaper if lapdances cured migraines.

I'm new to this PPO business (I'd had only Kaiser until last year), and apparently I have to meet a $250 deductible before I can earn the privilege of simply paying my co-pay for prescriptions. This much I understand. But couldn't they prorate my deductible expenses over the course of a few purchases rather than making me pay it outright? Who can afford $170 for three weeks of one drug? I'm meticulous with money and don't live paycheck to paycheck, so I could have gotten my prescription today had I not been too flabbergasted to talk. But what about people who don't have fancy pants jobs and have kids and mortgages and can't shell out $250 for a few months of one lousy prescription?

Ironically, before my Imitrex adventure even began, I perused the internets today and discovered that, once my partner earns his master's degree, we as a couple will qualify to apply for Canadian citizenship as skilled workers. I've heard that Canada's health care setup is plagued with inefficiencies, but I don't see how it could be worse than this. See you in hell, American health care system.